Who’s The Boss?

“Growing a family is never easy. Keeping the balance between the solidarity of the family and the individuality of its members demands sensitivity and compromise.”  Charles Handy

One of the hardest, but necessary, concepts to establish with young children is to make it crystal clear as to who is the boss.  Everybody likes to be in control. Everybody wants to be the “chief” and no one wants to be the “indian”.  In order for there not to be chaos, there must always be a hierarchy of power established. This structure is necessary in all walks of life whether it be in a company setting, a church setting, a school setting or a home setting. Setting up this structure is paramount to having a successful cohesive, thriving, happy and fruitful entity. Of course, you can use different criteria in establishing the structure – it doesn’t always have to be that the oldest is in charge.  The most important thing is that every entity is equally important. Everybody has their part to play. My way of thinking is that, depending on the circumstances, some roles are interchangeable; however, the role that remains consistent is the “Head”….. I AM THE BOSS!!! I think the spot that some young mothers and/or fathers get trapped in is that they think that they can rationalize with their young children. There is plenty of time for rationalizing and compromising and being sympathetic to each child’s need when they are older.  Question: Who ever saw a 2-year-old be rational!!!!! Their actions/reactions are all visceral at that age. I’d say up until each child was about age 5 the children understood that my household was definitely a dictatorship!!!  I set the rules, I enforced the rules, I made all the decisions like bedtimes and what to watch on TV and for how long.  Trust me, children love boundaries!!!!  And You must set them or you’ll have chaos.  I’m not going to tell you how to set up the boundaries but believe me if you don’t set them and stick to them, you’ll be crying in the corner plenty of days and nights. Even with that it can still be very challenging. Fortunately for me, my children seemed to get the hang of it pretty quickly (aside from the occasional “let’s see if mommy is really serious” challenges. One such occasion sticks out in my mind. In one of my previous stories I talked about how I would take the children to the park every day. Well, if the weather was bad or sometimes during the winter months when it gets dark early we would venture out to visit my best friend who lived around the corner from us.  Her and her husband had two boys – a son Yamil’s age and a son a year younger than Maya. It was always good to visit with them because the children could get to play without a lot of restriction. They lived in a single-family house and we lived in an apartment at the time. The neighbor beneath us would always complain about the children making noise. For that reason, I would try to keep the children out for most of the evening. Even then, she would still complain. The bottom line is apartments are NOT made for children! I couldn’t even play my piano while living there. It was against the rules to have one – but since I didn’t know that before I moved there, there was no way I was going to get rid of it. The piano was/is my prized possession. My mother encouraged us to play the piano at a young age. My sister and I took lessons in elementary school for $.50 a week. Our first piano was a toy one. Since I really enjoyed playing, and would practice on the toy piano, my mother decided that we should have a real one. She was able to buy one on credit. She scrubbed so many floors for so many years to buy that piano. After leaving Boston, on the way to Philadelphia, we stopped in Brooklyn, NY to get my piano. From that point on, that piano has traveled with me. No matter the cost, I always make provisions to have it travel with me. Philadelphia, two moves, to Metairie, Louisiana, to Rochester, NY, to Queens, NY, back to Brooklyn, NY, to Dayton, OH to Lanham, MD to Glenn Dale, MD…..but I digress. Anyway, after one of our customary visits to my girlfriend’s house, we said our goodbyes and proceeded to the car. The usual fighting began as to who was going to sit in the front. Settling in for the short ride around the corner the three of them starting fussing about the seating and who sat where last. I kept telling them to stop the noise but they decided not to listen to me. Once we turned off the main road and started down the residential street I warned them that I would make them get out and walk home. Well, they decided to ignore me. All of a sudden I stopped the car in the middle of the road and told them to get out!! They looked at me and looked at each other and didn’t move. I then yelled GET OUT!!!!!! They proceeded to get out of the car. I started the car up and began coasting down the block. I could see them in my rearview mirror walking in size place order – Yamil first, along with Maya barely keeping up and then little Nayda running to make sure she didn’t get left. It was cold and dark and I could tell by their body language that they were still fussing at each other. I made them walk all the way to the end of the residential street before I pulled over and just waited for them to catch up. One thing for sure is that when they got back in the car, nobody said a word. It was completely silent for the rest of the ride home. Although people thought that I was cruel, even giving me the nickname “Mommy Dearest”, I have to say that my children gave me virtually NO problems as teenagers. They all are very respectful, not only to me, but to others as well. So, take my advice, make sure your children know, and know early “Who is the Boss!”