These are some crazy times we are living in. Being pretty much quarantined for five months really gives you time to think. It also has given me time to clean out some things. While going through old family pictures one thing that stuck out to me was how when my sister and I were young, my mother would always dress us up to go out. Even if we were just going to visit another relative, we always had on dresses and shoes (definitely no sneakers – I don’t remember even owning a pair of sneakers until I got to high school and then they were only used for gym). In every picture, we were perfectly dressed, hair combed with ribbons or barrettes to match. Shoes, if white, sparkling clean, polished and buffed. Of course those were the days of crinoline slips, pleated and later on, hooped skirts. Easter brought new shoes (often patent leather) hats and even little white gloves, and of course, a purse – all the bells of whistles of “girl hood”. If I remember correctly, once we turned 12, we got to wear stockings (and don’t get it wrong, I mean good, old fashion stockings, not pantyhose) which means we got to wear a garter belt for the first time signaling that you were indeed, almost grown! As I watched footage of black protesters in the 1960s it struck me how the protesters were all dressed in their “Sunday Best” to protest. Men in suits and women in dresses. This was the mores of black people and without my really noticing it, I too continue some of those same cultural norms today.
I got to thinking about some things from my childhood that definitely carried over into my adult parenting days. It’s really curious how you wind up doing things similar to your parents even though you don’t set out intentionally to do them – some for the good and indeed, some for the bad. Not just attitudes and values are passed on, but behaviors as well. How often have you heard someone say “wow I sound just like my mother”. How often have I myself even thought, “wow, my mother used to do that”. That awareness solidifies the fact that what you say is important but more so “it’s what you do that counts” https://ladyjduchess.com/index.php/2016/02/23/its-what-you-do-that-counts/.
One thing about being on your own is that you get to decide just how things are going to go for you, and in my case, for my children as well. No longer did I have someone to help decide what would be or not be – so quite naturally in those situations you tend to draw on what your past experiences have been. You get to discern what you will keep from the past and what you will cast aside. One of my biggest adjustments to being “on my own” was letting the children go to visit their father who, at that time, lived in New Mexico. Each summer for about two – three weeks, I would send them for a visit. The very first time was extremely nerve racking. I gathered up all the things they would need for the visit, gave them instructions on everything. I was extremely careful about how they would look. The day came for their departure and I got up very early just to make sure we wouldn’t forget anything. I had laid out their clothes the night before – Sunday dresses for the girls with matching hair accessories, shoes, socks. I’m not sure whether I made Yamil wear a tie but he definitely had to wear dress pants, shirt and a “fresh” haircut. After all they were going on a long trip from Maryland to New Mexico and since they would be traveling alone, everybody would be looking at them and I’m sure creating their own scenario as to who they were, why they were alone, etc. They were all preteens the first time they went. For some reason I wasn’t worried about their safety. I felt confident that Yamil would keep his sisters safe even though he was just a child himself. His self assurance and ability to command a certain respect from others (yes, even adults), made me feel confident that they would be fine. I was sure there would be no fighting. They only did that at home with Yamil always picking on his sisters. Their father would be waiting on the other end.
We arrived at the airport fairly early. After we checked the bags, it was time for last minute instructions – all the what to do ifs. Everybody in the airport seemed to be looking at us. I couldn’t really figure out why. I watched them for as far as I could see them as the stewardess escorted them on the plane and to their seats. Then the panic set in and I immediately wanted to run down the walkway onto the plane and grab up my babies. It took all my self control to let them go. This would be the first time I would be without them for an extended period of time. I managed to make it home and anxiously awaited a phone call from their father confirming their safe arrival.
Some five hours later, the call came. I was relieved to know that they had made it, but with that came an admonishment from their father about how I had dressed them. He said that I should just let them wear jeans and sneakers and not dress them up. It would have never occurred to me to let them wear casual clothes. Those clothes were reserved for the park. The children did say that everybody was looking at them and they perceived it was because they were “dressed up”……..who knew?
I guess it’s one of those things that I learned to do automatically. Even today it is difficult for me to go out without extra care about my appearance. I was always one who loved to dress up. Every occasion was a dress up one…….going to special dinner, going to a concert, a night at the opera, a Broadway play. Unfortunately, people don\’t dress up anymore for those things so I find that I have much too many \”dress up\” clothes in my closet – or should I say CLOSETS!. I guess I compensate by the fact that each time I go out, whether it be once, twice or three times in a day, no matter the destination, I change my clothes. Yes, I know that’s a bit bizarre. Did I mention that I have over a hundred pairs of shoes? I guess that old adage is true after all…..certain things we get from our parents are magnified in us. I think it might be time for some serious intervention – SMH.
5 Responses
Great read! It’s true what they say “ the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” I also had no idea you were short a few shoes from Imelda Marcos😉
100 pairs of shoes… haha. Wow. Welcome back, I am glad you are writing again.
Your children always looked very nice while traveling and I am certain people were looking in admiration. It is interesting what we pick up from our parents. As for the shoes girl friend, that’s another story.
Enjoyed this read.
Great post. Don’t stop writing!!