It’s My Turn – Gaining Confidence

Illustration by Nayda Pirela

“How can you know what you’re capable of if you don’t embrace the unknown?” …..Esmerelda Santiago

Everybody knows that parenting is an all-consuming, never-ending job. It doesn’t matter how old or young your children are, you are either all-in mentally, physically or both. Being able to get away from all the stress is a necessary thing in order to maintain some sense of mental normalcy. I was always a very active child, teenager, young adult, adult and even now as a soft “senior”. I always had so much enjoyment, as a teenager, playing handball. I would spend hours at the park surrounding St. John’s Recreation Center in Brooklyn, NY playing handball during the summer months when school was out. I would start out early in the morning, around 9am and sometimes I wouldn’t resurface at home until dark. You can imagine my shock when I got to college in Connecticut only to find out that there were no handball courts. I always wanted to play tennis but growing up in the 60’s  there were no free tennis courts – not to mention that you needed to have a racquet (who had money for that?). We could only stand at the fence on Eastern Parkway and Buffalo Ave. in Brooklyn and watch people play. However, handball was free and all you needed was a $.50 Spalding ball to play. It was great because you could be outside. It was not until I moved to Rochester, NY that discovered the sport of racquetball which is similar to handball except you play inside and you play off of four walls instead of one. I played as often as I could. In fact, I played up until I was six months pregnant with my oldest child and only stopped at that point at the insistence of my doctor. What I didn’t like is that you had to join a club and oftentimes pay for court time. It’s also a lot of structure/confinement and I tend to like my freedom but I grew to enjoy the sport almost as much as handball. After I moved to Maryland I was on a quest to continue playing. Being newly divorced, I struggled to get money together to play. The rec centers offered lessons that were pretty reasonable so I signed up for lessons and actually joined a league. What made it twice as difficult is that I had three children and so I had to either find a babysitter (since I couldn’t play outside) or take them with me (all of this could be quite an expensive venture). Fortunately, I have a girlfriend who has two children and she was willing to watch my three regularly.  The other times I would pack up a snack and take them with me. There was one center in particular that I liked to go to in Upper Marlboro where I could look right outside of the racquetball court through the hall window and see them playing in the little park. I was always a little unsettled while I was playing, worrying if they were ok. I felt pretty good that there were three of them. If something happened, one could run for me and one could stay with the injured one. We made this a weekly routine.

My racquetball instructor felt that I should compete in a local tournament in Reading PA. The months leading up to the tournament I practiced a lot. Since I’m not really a very outgoing person, I wasn’t sure whether I should go or not. I went back and forth about whether to venture out or not, finally I acquiesced and prepared myself mentally for the challenge. I’d have to drive about two hours and I always worried about the reliability of my car (I have terrible Karma with cars). The weekend came and I packed up my car, took the children to “Aunt Barbara and Uncle Butch” and off I went. During the drive I started feeling very apprehensive. I wouldn’t know anyone there except for my instructor. He assured me that everything would be ok.  I wondered if it would be a hostile environment, after all this was Reading, PA, not Philadelphia, PA. I wondered if I would encounter blatant racism or would people treat me nice. Most of my racquetball experiences to that point didn’t include people who looked like me. I almost succumbed to that spirit of fear and turned the car around heading back towards Maryland, towards comfort and safety. I was fighting really hard to dispel all those negative thoughts. One thing I can say about the negative effects of divorce is that it really messes with your self-confidence in addition to a whole host of other things. I knew deep down that I had to take this step for me. I needed to find my confidence so that I could live and breathe that confidence for my children. They needed to see me take chances. They needed to see me pursue things that I wanted to do. I knew that if I were able to do this,  it would spark me to do other things as well. The tournament turned out great!!! I even managed to win my division!!  It was the first time I ever in life received a trophy for anything. The people were as you find people – some friendly, some nice but all cordial. I can’t say that I felt comfortable (it’s always good to be on guard), but at least I was able to do it.  That tournament led me to another very important venture.

I’ve always loved to play scrabble and often played by myself just for relaxation. On one of my visits to the library with the children, I notice a flyer on the bulletin board about a scrabble club that would meet at the library once a week. Again I was a little apprehensive knowing that I, in all likelihood, would be the only black person there. I started thinking that maybe I wasn’t a good enough player. I mustered up enough courage to go and I really enjoyed it. They even told me about another club in a neighborhood not too from from my house. They met at “City Hall” in Bowie. So one night, I decided to go and check it out. When I arrived, everybody looked at me as if I were in the wrong room. I told them I was there to play scrabble. I got various disparaging looks as I took a seat at one of the available tables. I was so nervous I thought I might get up and leave. I instantly wanted to cry. People started interrogating me, asking me at lot of esoteric questions like how I found out about the group and where I lived, what kind of work I did, where I was from. They even asked about my marital status!  I was pretty annoyed because of their intense scrutiny. I gave very vague answers.  I just wanted to play scrabble. I was happy when the first game started. The first play of the first game, the guy I was playing used all of his letters and got 50 extra points! He was feeling quite snug. My heart sank but I knew that since it was early in the game that I had a chance to catch up. As the game went on, I was gaining ground on him and even managed to pass him at one point. I was holding my breath and secretly praying that I wouldn’t lose my concentration. You can’t imagine how delighted I was when I managed to win both games I played!!! I got up from my chair and said my goodbyes.  I couldn’t wait until I got to the car.  As soon as I got inside and locked the doors, I yelled ‘YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!” to the top of my lungs. “I did it!” That moment was vindication for all the derogatory things people have ever said and thought about me because of my skin color. YES, I am smart; YES, I am worthy; YES, I belong. It gave me the confidence to pick up the mantra and pass it on to my children. I couldn’t wait to get home to tell them. That night we had a big celebration. We didn’t even share dessert as we customarily did to save money, we all had our own separate dessert!