Holding on

Sometimes life gets down right hard! Recently I’ve come to one of those tough spots. For all those who do not know, I am tearfully reporting the passing of my “little big brother” – Pernell, on February 5, three days after his 60th birthday. The news came as a shock and I’m still trying to adjust to his absence. With that being said, I’m reposting a story I wrote about him a couple of years ago (April 2021).  I’m so thankful that I got to share this story with him while he was here. There will be a forever hole in my heart as I muddle through this thing called life……..

“It’s hard to turn the page when you know someone won’t be in the next chapter, but the story must go on.”….Thomas Wilder

A Dream Realized

One of my mother’s greatest desires was to have all of her children, not just go to college, but more importantly to graduate from college.  As it turned out, I was the first one out of my sister, brother and me to graduate.  My sister, even though she is the oldest, took a more circuitous route, but in the end, she graduated…….and then it was my brother’s turn. 

The day my sister and I found out that we were going to have a sibling (sometime in the fall/winter of 1962), we were not happy. The thought of having someone else around was not setting right with us. Imagine my consternation upon receiving this news. I felt like I was being pushed aside for this “new” person. No longer was I going to be the “special” one. I was destined to become the nowhere child – not first and not last. I would be left to oscillate between the two of them. I guess the good news was that I got to become a big sister and I took that role very seriously. This was way before they had ultrasound technology to determine in advance the sex of the baby. If it were a girl, we would have to share our toys and things with yet another person – conversely if it was a boy – YIKES!! Who wanted a boy around. After all, we were just 10 and 12. The day finally came when my dad announced that he had taken my mother to the hospital to have the baby. The year was 1963. Actually, it was “ground hog” day, February 2. It seemed as if we waited all day just to find out who exactly would be coming to live in OUR house. That evening my father arrived back home and announced that we had a brother. I guess to make us feel better about him, we were tasked with giving him a name. We came up with the name – Pernell. He actually was named after the character on the show Bonanza – Adam Cartwright (played by Pernell Roberts). Although I wasn’t crazy about the thought of another sibling, once my mother brought him home, and placed him in the makeshift crib made from taking out one of her drawers from the dresser and padding it with a blanket, I was instantly attached to him.  Out of my sister and me, I was the first one to babysit him. I’ll never forget the night I was given the assignment to watch him – and watch him I did! I sat by that “crib” and stared at him the entire time my mother was gone. I was fascinated by all the sounds he made. I watched him breathe and waited patiently for him to wake up so I could feed him. I knew how to warm the bottle, test it and everything! Right then and there we bonded for life – my little big brother!!!!

As he grew, I took him everywhere I went – to the store, to the park. He was the sweetest, imaginative little boy ever. He had imaginary friends that he would lay in bed and talk to at night before going to sleep. Remember those sounds he was making in the crib? As it turned out those sounds were just a prelude to all the  boy noises  to follow. During the day, he would dress up pretending to be Batman or some other superhero. He would get a towel and pin it to the back of his shirt, put on his red rain boots and race through the apartment jumping off of things and making all kinds of sound effects. He even got into the habit of humming and singing the songs he heard me play on the piano.  

When he started school, I would pick him up from the bus stop in the afternoons. One day I was a little late getting there because the trains were all messed up. I attended high school far from my house (I was one of those bussed kids).  By the time I got to the bus stop he was sobbing!!! I felt soooo bad. Even now as I think back on that day, my heart breaks. How could he think that I had forgotten him. For sure, I was never late again!!  It came as no surprise to me that when he became a teenager he was quite popular. Quick witted, full of energy, he attracted those kinds of people to him. We remained close even after I left for college and then got married and moved away. He would come and visit with me. So when it came time for him to go to college, he went to my alma mater,  SUNY at Old Westbury. He became friendly with one of the ladies in administration and after talking for some time, she realized that he was my brother and told him how she knew me from when I went there, about 10 years prior. It turns out that I babysat for her children for about four days back in the 70s when I went to school there. (Wow was that an experience….she lived in Hicksville, NY where there were literally no black people in that town, so you can imagine how that went for me; but that’s a story in itself for another time).

If we got nothing else from our parents, we definitely got the trait of perseverance!!! I’m sure it wasn’t easy for my brother especially because in the midst of going to school my mother got ill and subsequently passed on before he graduated. It was up to my dad, my sister and me to see him through to the end. Graduation day came three years after my mother passed. That was one of the most special days ever! Friends and family gathered for the occasion. What a joy when they called his name to walk across that stage to receive his diploma. I think we were the loudest family there!!!  Afterwards everybody came to my house, the house that my mother pushed for me to get. Boy did we have a feast! Not only good food but my neighbors on the block brought me flowers from their yards which added such a nice touch. We did it! All of us graduated. What a proud day for my dad and what a tribute to my mother.

“And don’t be weary in well doing, for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not” Gal: 6:9