Happy Birthday to me!!

“The present rearranges the past. We never tell the

Whole story because a life isn’t a story; it’s a whole

Milky Way of events, and we are forever picking out

Constellations from it to fit who and where we

Are” ……..Rebecca Solnit

******************

It’s funny how with time you lose so many memories

And then suddenly you hear a song that brings

Back a flood of emotions,

You press the pause button……..

Things you thought you’d left behind or lost somewhere

In the living, comes back with a vengeance

Thought you had control over all that stuff

Things you’d put away for another lifetime – never

To revisit, never to feel anything like you felt then

Why can’t we have selective memory – keep the things

That we hold so preciously and toss out all the destruction

Why can’t we have that detachment – viewing but not

Really seeing

Touching but not feeling……and suddenly you’re 5 again

And 6 and 10, 12, you’re 17 – Counting the years

Wondering how time could have gone by so quickly

All at once realizing that maybe there’s not much time

Left and somehow you feel cheated. But you don’t get

Do-overs.

You press the pause button……….

Motionless you let the feelings ripple over you

Stripping you of all constraint.

Delaying the inevitable and then suddenly

You push the fast forward button……

Racing towards the next minute – the clock seems to

Be speeding up…..  you’re 25, and 30, 45 was

a good year but here it is 20 years later and you scarcely

Remember what happened in between.

Time be my friend, I need that now, hold back the years

I need to digest each thought, I need to savor every

Emotion, I need to experience the wonder of each new

Day to the fullest, taking nothing for granted.  I need

To look into the eyes of my children and know with

Certainty that they will be ok and I’m not to worry.

I hit the pause button………..

I need to hear each tune, each song, each note in a

Way I’ve never heard before – to experience the

Wonder of the seasons, the summers, the falls, the winters and

Definitely the springs – the beginning of things. I need

New victories each day. I need to feel love for myself

celebrating all the goodness in me – if there be

In virtue, please let me know it now, with certainty.

I need the days to be filled with grace and wonder

I need to keep moving even when my body says

“Maybe not today”….

I need to hit the pause button one more time…….

Happy Birthday to me!!!