Growth Hurts

One of the most heart wrenching experiences as a parent is when your child experiences their first heart break. Although you know it’s inevitable, you’d do anything to spare them the pain and hopelessness that often accompanies the loss. It’s my contention that young love is the most irrational. Typically teenagers/young adults experience a heightened euphoria when it comes to emotional love. I say that because I do remember (although sooo many years ago) that feeling. “Oh I can’t live without you”. I needed to spend every waking minute breathing the same air. Fortunately, as nature would have it, that all settles down with a little age. As a single parent I was always worried about how it would be with my children. Would they be like me – always in love, always fantasizing, always starved for affection or would they be more like their father – exteriorly very in control, very even keeled, quietly passionate; not demonstrative. Would I even know what was really happening inside of them. Well, the first one to experience heartbreak was my baby girl. She was a mere 15yr old when she asked if she could go to the movies with a boy. That was the beginning of my parental chaperone dating days. Little did the young man know that she came as a package – her and me!!! One thing I always try to remember is that the things that teenagers/young adults  think are SO important, we as adults often think is so insignificant (and usually it is in the scheme of things). To them, however,  it’s EVERYTHING!!!! So I never minimized her feelings (no matter how irrational I thought they were). I would drive her 40 minutes so she could spend 30 minutes with him at the park. Or drive 30 minutes to pick him up from school to take him home so that they could spend that time together. Really crazy things – but to her it meant everything. That went on for about 2-1/2 years. When they finally broke up I too felt the loss tremendously. I hated to see her suffering. I decided one night to write the following letter to her just so she wouldn’t feel so alone. So that she knew that I was right there with her…..

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“The great pretender. He’s 18 now, time to start being accountable for his actions. Who will care for him? Even now can you trust the things he’s saying? Confusion brings anger.

As for me, I’m disappointed. I’m hurt because he hurt you. I sat by watching you give everything only to receive very little back.  His betrayal, your hurt,  causes me pain and, like you, I sit and try to analyze the whole thing. Who is this person we thought we knew?

I remember the days he was happy just to be here. I also remember the down times when he wept uncontrollably from disappointment and hurt, the times he was too frightened to go home; but we were always on his side trying to make things right in an oh so wrong world for him.

I could see trouble ahead as he became more confident in himself. I always knew he would be susceptible to the world. I even understand his need to please his father, despite the abuse he suffers by his hand. He wants him to love him. He wants his approval, just as he yearns for his mother’s promised love only to be disappointed time and time again.

A troubled past, a troubled present, a troubled future?

It’s time to move on. Much too much burden for you; too much sadness, too much pain. As much as you wanted it to be right you can’t change him. Only God can give him a clean heart….a new start…..a life to glorify him. That’s what I pray for him, that the Lord will fill his empty soul.

For you, I pray that the God of all comfort will comfort you during this time and show you that He is gracious and merciful and that you are victorious because you belong to him…..a child of the King!!

And although now it hurts and time passes much too slowly to erase the pain, I know that the Lord’s got something great in store for you. I will just keep loving you and praying diligently for both of you except now it will be separately – not together. I’ll never forget your “dreamer”.\”

As time would have it, we both got through that and now when she looks back she can really have a new and different perspective on things. I guess it’s just a part of the “growing pains” process – Growth hurts!. Equally as important, was the bond that was solidified between us. That’s when she really got to know that I was in her corner and would always be. It’s hard letting our children go through “stuff” but what you gain from being right there with them is priceless!!!!