Follow the Leader

I remember so vividly the childhood game “Follow the Leader”.  There was always someone in the group who coveted that leadership role. It was always “cool” to be the leader. With my group of friends, I was always the leader, I guess that’s why in my household the children would fight all the time – because each of them wanted to be the leader. While this was very frustrating for me as a parent, now that they are adults, I’m so happy and grateful that each of them is a leader in his/her own right. They each have a sense of security in their own abilities, and each are proficient in their own specific area. The great thing about having more than one child is that you get to see those differences and appreciate the uniqueness of each child even though they all grew up in the same environment. It’s still amazing to me how each one is so different – molded and shaped into these beautiful, sensitive, caring adults. In spite of all my shortcomings and mistakes, they grew up strong and self assured. They are able to think for themselves and never feel the need to follow aimlessly the decision-making of others. Of course it wasn’t always that way. Early on, Yamil (the oldest) was the ringleader. He could get the girls to do pretty much whatever he wanted them to do. However there came a time when all of that ceased. The week started out with it’s usual challenges. It was late Spring almost Summer of 1987 and the children were all home with me and getting into their usual mischief. We were living in Dayton, Ohio at the time. Yamil was 5, Maya 3 and Nayda just a few months old. This particular day it was unusually hot for that time of year so I decided that I’d put the sprinkler on for them just to cool off a bit. We had a sliding door downstairs that led out to the back yard so that was very convenient for going in and outdoors. Yamil and Maya ran to put on their bathing suits and I proceeded to put the water on.  Nayda was upstairs and it was time for me to feed her so I let Yamil and Maya go out back by themselves while I prepared the only food that Nayda would eat – oatmeal. Well I looked outside to make sure everything was ok from upstairs and low and behold I see Maya with no shirt on.  I grabbed up Nayda, went downstairs and called to her to come inside.  I asked, “Maya, where is your top? Why don’t you have it on?” She very innocently said “I took it off”.  I asked her why and she replied… “Yamil doesn’t have a top on”. I admonished her that she couldn’t do what Yamil does. That one event seemed to trigger a series of events that definitely changed things.

There was a shopping center not too far from the house we were renting. Each evening, customary to people in that community, I would look outside and see whole families strolling along after dinner.  I really wasn’t used to just walking aimlessly just for exercise. Coming from New York, whenever you went out, it was for a reason, a distinct purpose and you always went in a hurry – no lollygagging. Early on my father taught me to walk with a purpose and it seems I was always running along trying to keep up. So for me, this evening “strolling” was a foreign concept. Being new to the area, I decided that maybe we should try that “strolling” thing. So, it came to be that one evening after dinner I put Nayda in her stroller and Yamil, Maya and I sauntered up to the shopping center. At the end of the shopping center there was a “Gold’s Gym” where I eventually got a job. Not too far from there was my favorite place – a bookstore. I could spend hours there just perusing all the books and magazines. They also had little trinkets, gifts, toys, etc. Evidently, my son decided that he would take a little toy from the store (unbeknownst to me of course). A few days later, he and Maya were playing and I happened to notice that they were playing with a cute little toy that I had never seen before. I asked to see the toy and then inquired where it came from. Neither Yamil nor Maya seemed to be able to explain where or how the toy got into the house. After a series of questions from me, Yamil said that he got it from a little boy at school. I knew that wasn’t correct. Maya at this point was squirming in her chair. I decided that they would be on punishment until I knew where this toy came from. After arguing amongst themselves, Yamil piped up and said “Maya has one too”.  Maya then told me that they got them from the store. I came to find out that not only did HE have a toy, but he encouraged Maya to take one as well – OH BROTHER!!!!! Once again she was following the leader. I immediately envisioned Yamil and Maya 20 and 18 sitting behind bars. Yamil for making a terrible decision and Maya for following the leader!!!!!

One thing about being the leader is that you then are responsible for the outcome of things. If everything goes well – you get all the accolades; likewise, if things go sour you can try to blame others (as he did) but the bottom line is the buck stops with YOU!!!  So now Yamil was in big trouble. First they both got a lecture about not only stealing, but lying as well. Then I decided that I would take them back up to the store and have Yamil talk to the store manager and tell him how he stole something from his store. I told him that it would be up to the store manager whether he would call the police and have him arrested. You should have seen the fear in his eyes!!! The whole way back to the store, he was saying how sorry he was in between tears. Of course Maya was equally upset at the thought of her brother going to jail. They approached the store with trepidation. We went in and I asked to see the store manager. When he came out I made Yamil tell him what he had done. Then he asked the manager “Are you going to call the police?” You can imagine his relief when the manager said no but he admonished him not to ever steal anything again. The lesson for Yamil was that actions, whether good or bad, have consequences. You are responsible for your own behavior; it’s YOUR fault – not anybody else’s. Maya learned that she would have to stick up for what’s right. From that point on she was cured. Never again did she “follow the leader”.