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First Love

“On a rainy day when I’m sitting in a tree looking for a friend, I hope you’ll be the one standing at the root holding out your arms to gently catch my fall”…..Nikki Giovanni

_______

I’m old now but my heart still longs

For you just like when I was a little girl

I wanted to run to you

I loved you so deeply then, with a child’s

heart – innocent, completely, with every

Fiber of my being

I felt safe with you

You understood and never took advantage

Of me (although I would have greatly

Welcomed that)

What I know now that I didn’t know then

Is that I wanted comfort.  I was scared

And lonely – trying to escape

I wanted to run to you

And sometimes I did……..

We promised each other with words

Mostly unspoken (as if not saying them

Out loud would make it somehow not

true) that someday the day

Would be ours – love unrequited

ours was an unacceptable love

On so many levels

The times were scary and culture dictated

And dominated our wants and needs

I wanted to defy all odds…….but somehow

I knew that my affections were  misguided

You were so kind and good and wholesome.

Above all you were gentle with

My heart careful in the handling

And now, in the fullness of life, I can look

Back and love you even more completely for

Respecting me and loving me enough to

Let me grow unscathed.

I wanted to run to you…….

I still want to run to you sometimes……those

Times when I’m lonely and scared.

Those times when I need comfort and

Understanding – when I need to feel safe.

It’s funny how those things never change

Even with age (the needs that is)

But it’s too late – you’re gone forever and

I didn’t even get to say goodbye.

Color my world blue.

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